The baclofen era – day 2

10:00 Woke well rested. Had cereal for breakfast, a baclofen, and my usual regime of vitamins and other bits and pieces.

This could get pretty boring now. My main objective with this little journal was to document how the diazepam / valium went with getting me through Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome. I think it was incredibly successful.

I’ll see how this baclofen goes, since it’s supposed to reduce cravings for a drink, and perhaps help with my sleep.

But I don’t think there’s much point in detailing every little point in this blog anymore. I think I’ll just post if something pertinent comes up. I have documented what I wanted to document, and it is here now if anyone comes searching for stories of first hand experience.

The most important thing is that I seem to have broken that physical dependence on drink, and am getting out and about and trying to get my life back on track, which seems to be going well!

Sayonara, for now.

The baclofen era – day 1

10:00 Woke after a reasonably good sleep. Cereal, coffee, vit B, ginkgo biloba, milk thistle, and my first baclofen.

I don’t feel too bad after the few bourbons last night. None of the withdrawal symptoms, so far at least.

As opposed to the diazepam, the doc has started me on a lower dose of baclofen, 2 tablets per day for the first 2 days, then 3 a day from then on. I have 100 of them. My next appointment to see the doc is in about 6 weeks, so I’m gonna run out before I see him again. There’s big warnings on the bottle saying “Do not stop taking this medication abruptly without referring to your GP”, so I might have to go and see him before that appointment to get another script. Oh well, no point worrying about it at this stage.

I’d better do some research on what this baclofen actually does.

19:00 Went out for dinner with a new friend. I had steak, and I can’t eat steak without a glass of red. I ended up having 3 glasses of red. It was nice. Went home about 23:00 after a pleasant evening.

00:00 Second baclofen. All I know is I got incredibly sleepy shortly afterwards and went to bed and fell straight to sleep.

Friday 25th – Alcohol Detox day 11

08:30 Woke painfully to my alarm after being awake until about 04:00 this morning. No time for breakfast, other than a coffee. Off to see my new super-GP and give him a big hug! The only slip-up I had was those 2 diazepams yesterday, which I will tell him about. Otherwise, I’m gonna be very proud to tell him I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol in 11 days 🙂

13:00 Just got back from my second appointment with the GP sent by the angels. I told him I’m feeling great, getting out and about a bit, ready to go back to work, and haven’t touched a drink in 11 days. He seemed very impressed with my progress. I did tell him about my “out of order” diazepam dose yesterday, but he didn’t seem overly concerned, and agreed that it was a better strategy than using alcohol to deal with the situation.

I asked him whether I should go back to work on Monday. He asked me what I think. I said “I think it would be good to get back into a normal routine and see my few supportive friends there, and start getting back to normal.” He agreed, so it’s back to work on Monday, after a month of sick leave.

He gave me another prescription for the fluvoxamine antidepressant, as that can take a month or so to start working. He’s also prescribed me something called Baclofen, which he said is a muscle relaxant “a step down from Valium”, should reduce alcohol cravings, and will help me sleep. And it’s not addictive at all. So we’ll see how that goes. I will start on it tomorrow.

Tonight, I am going to see Faith No More again, and several other bands, just over the road from my place, at a big all-day music festival, and I’m gonna have a beer or two. I know my original goal was to go a full month without a drink, but, I’m gonna take this opportunity between different meds just to have a couple of coldies in the sun at this all day outdoor gig (It’s HOT today!). I won’t go overboard – just a couple. Then I’ll get on this Baclofen gear tomorrow.

Peace out, loyal readers, interested observers, and impartial snoops alike 🙂

02:00 Well, the music festival was kinda … meh. FNM were great, but the crowd just weren’t into it. But I got to see another favourite band of mine I’ve never seen before, and enjoyed making sweaty headbangers happy by surprising them by spraying cold water on them. That was fun, and they all appreciated it. It was a good way to get people chatting to me since I was there on my own at the time. The girl next to me kept fanning me with her little Japanese-style fold-out hand fan, while I sprayed her. It was fun.

I had 4 cans of Jim Beam and cola. I guess I’m gonna have to rename this blog or something, now. I’m off the diazepam anyhow, so that title is redundant. But… overall, it wasn’t really satisfying, and didn’t really make me feel all that good. I haven’t been a fan of bourbon for years anyhow, but there wasn’t much to choose from there. And at $10 per can, I wasn’t going to go overboard even if I was enjoying it.

Oh well. I don’t feel like I’ve failed. I didn’t get rotten drunk (hardly felt it, actually). And I’ll be back on the wagon with these new magical mystery Baclofen stuff tomorrow.

G’night!

Thursday 24th – Alcohol Detox day 10!!!!

Prescribed diazepam dosage for the day – ZERO

11:00 Awaken. Cereal. Coffee. Thai fisherman pants.

I am going to quote the rather long lyrics of my favourite song from the band I am going to see tonight, because they seem particularly fitting, even if it may narrow down my identity if anyone really cares. Actually, the timing of this gig is absolutely perfect. It’s like they waited 20 years to come here just for me 🙂

I know the feeling,
it is the real thing –
The essence of the soul

The perfect moment.
That golden moment.
I know you feel it too.

I know the feeling,
It is the real thing.
You can’t refuse the embrace…

NO!

It’s like the pattern beneath the skin –
you’ve gotta reach and pull it all in,
and you feel like you’re too close,
but you swallow another dose.

The pinnacle of happiness
filling up your soul.
You don’t think you can take any more.
You never wanna let go.

Cause it’s the root of experience,
the most basic ingredients;
to see the unseen glitter of life
and feel the dirt, grief, anger and strife.

Cherish the certainly of now.
It kills you a bit at a time.
Cradle the inspiration –
it will leave you writhing on the floor…

This is so unreal,
what I feel.
This nourishment,
life is bent
in to a shape
i can hold.
A twist of fate,
all my own.
Just grit your teeth
and make no sound.
Take a step away
and look around.
Just clench your fist
and close your eyes.
Look deep inside,
hypnotize,
The whisper is
but a shout,
That’s what it is
all about.
Yes, the ecstasy,
you can pray.
You will never let
it slip away.

Like the sacred song that someone sings through you.
Like the flesh so warm that the thorn sticks into.
Like the dream you know one day will come to life.
Try to hold on just a little longer, longer, stronger, stronger

It’s the jewel of victory,
the chasm of misery.
And once you have bitten the core
You will always know the flavor.

A split second of divinity,
you drink up the sky.
All of heaven is in your arms;
you know the reason why.

It’s right there, all by itself,
and what you are, there is nothing else
You’re growing a life within a life,
the lips of wonder kiss you inside.
And when it’s over the feeling remains;
it all comes down to this.
The smoke clears, I see what it is
that made me feel this way…

I know the feeling.
It is the real thing –
The essence of the soul

The perfect moment.
That golden moment.
I know you feel it too.

I know the feeling.
It is the real thing.
You can’t refuse the embrace…

This is so unreal,
what I feel.
Flood, sell your soul,
feel the blood
pump through your veins.
Can’t explain,
the element that’s everything.
Just clench your fist
and close your eyes,
Look deep inside,
hypnotize.
Yes, the ecstasy,
you can pray.
You will never let it slip away.
Yes, the ecstasy,
you can pray,
You will never let it slip away!
You will never let it slip away!
You will never let it slip away!

Like the echoes of your childhood laughter, ever after.
Like the first time love urged you to take it’s guidance, in silence.
Like your heartbeat when you realize you’re dying, but you’re trying.
Like the way you cry for a happy ending, ending…

I know the feeling
It is the real thing

12:15 Water, vitamins, water, vitamins, water, vitamins, Faith No More, water, water, toilet.

00:30 Just got home from the FNM concert which was fantastic! And, guess what? They played the song above FIRST. I think Mike Patton was channeling me. I was in ecstasy for the rest of the concert… but… that might be because I was a naughty boy with the remains of the diazepam.

You see, I had a very bad reaction from one of my “oldest, best mates” (as he refers to himself) after I reminded him (and others) that they owe me their share of the $1000 I spent on tickets for this gig about 6 months ago. Today, trying to work out logistics of “OK, I have to meet Bob there to give him his ticket, then Fred there to give him his, and I haven’t heard from Tom or Barry, so I dunno where I’m supposed to meet them”, and not hearing ANYTHING from ANY of them (my “oldest, best friends”), this particularly nasty one started sending me bitchy messages about me accusing him of ripping me off. And not only that, he was bitching to OTHER people on Facebook about me. This got me pretty damn pissed off. So, I had to encounter this one dickhead, who I’ve known for 22 years, just one more time to give him his fucken ticket and hopefully get some money out of him, and then go our seperate ways (we weren’t even in the same area in the concert). I wasn’t looking forward to the meeting at all, and got more and more angry as it got closer to the concert time and none of them had given me any indication of what they were doing. So I am left with $500 worth of tickets in my pocket, with no idea where I am supposed to meet the people who were supposed to be picking them up off me. I was so pissed off…. it was either beer… or my last 2 diazepams. I opted for the latter. When they eventually ran into me on the street, I kept my sunglasses on the whole time, collected my money, and then went in to the concert with the other people who I actually wanted to be with.

My doctor won’t be happy about that, but at least it was only 2, and at least it wasn’t booze.

And now I never have to deal with that arsehole again. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

But other than that bullshit, the concert was fantastic. My favourite band ever, and I finally got to see them after 20 years of waiting, and they were even better than I could have hoped. Now I’m gonna try to chill out (my new candle and Thai fisherman pants should help), and try to get to sleep so I can be up in time for my early appointment with my doctor tomorrow (today!) morning. And … I’m gonna listen to The Real Thing several more times 🙂

Wednesday 24th – Alcohol Detox day 9!

Prescribed diazepam dosage for the day – 1 x 5mg

11:00 Woke at about 11:00, well rested and feeling good.

Nothing really available for breakfast, except some several days overdue crumpets, so I ate them. They were OK. A bit on the crunchy side.

I did a bit of tidying up around the place, then decided to go get some groceries, and extend the walk a bit and take my camera and try to get some interesting shots around the neighbourhood. I walked for about an hour, down to a nearby river and got some nice shots.

Dropped in at the supermarket and got myself some healthy foodlets such as a LARGE box of cereal, and … chocolate.

I actually had a blind-semi-date tonight. It was blind in as much as I’ve never met the girl in person – just chatted with her briefly on the net months ago when she mentioned she was moving here from overseas and didn’t know anyone, so I offered for her to contact me if she wanted to catch up for a drink when she got here. Well, I got an email from her just a couple of days ago saying “I’m here! When are we going for that drink?”

Gah! I was pleased to hear from her, but not when I’m in the middle of detox. I said I’d love to see her, but am on medication at the moment so can’t drink. She was fine with that, so we went to a night market, which was quite a successful venture.

Anyway, the plan was for me to meet her outside her work at 18:30, then head to the market. I was going to take my last diazepam about 18:00 – not because I wanted to be zonked out in front of her, I just wanted to be calm.

So, I was running late, rushed out the door at 18:00, then realised I’d forgotten to take the diazepam!. It was too late to rush back and take it, so I continued on.

It turned out to be a great night. The market was a perfect venue for that “first introductory meeting” type thing. Lots of great food to choose from (we had West African which was delicious), some cool international music, and lots of quirky little stalls to entertain us both. She bought herself a couple of shauls (winter approaches), and I bought myself some Thai fisherman’s pants which are just the most comfortable pants you could possibly imagine for lazing around the house in, and this crazy candle. I’ll even include a photo (wish me luck with this ….)

Super candle

See, the whole candle glows. And the outside is more like a hard plastic than the inner wax candle. So when the candle burns out, you are left with the hollow shell, and can just drop tea-light candles in it and away you go again. I love it!

Anyway, we got along really well I think. She was funny and smart. We entertained each other quite easily, and I think we both just really needed some low stress company. We parted about 21:30 as our respective public transport vehicles headed off in different directions, after a quick peck on the cheek. (I know someone who is reading this is interested in all the gory details – that’s about it. But we’ll probably catch up over the weekend

22:00 Diazepam – 5mg. LAST ONE!

Now I will just chill for a while, watch my candle, and look forward to the concert I am going to tomorrow. Right now, I am thinking “Alcohol dependence? What alcohol dependence?”

First day of no diazepam tomorrow, but I’m sure it won’t be a problem. Got through until 22:00 today without even noticing it. When I first got the tickets to this rock concert I am going to tomorrow, I was a bit pissed off that I could only get a ticket in the “dry area”, but now I am extremely happy about that, for several reasons.

Then back to my doctor Friday morning.

By the way, I have noticed that since I started this “diary” over a week ago, it has progressed more from a “12:39 – ate a nectarine. 13:11 – dropped 2 pills” format into a normal “this is what I did today” blog type thing. I think that’s a good thing. I think it’s a sign that my state of mind is returning to it’s more normal, healthy state.

9 days down!

01:30 Couldn’t help myself. One big bowl of Kellog’s Sustain for supper, then off to bed. That means I’m gonna have to take off my Thai fisherman’s pants, dammit!